Crises unfold in the laugh of luxury

The soul-less minions of orthodoxy have so far reacted to my purported nuclear test with indifference. But as West Van matrons, and other imperialist running dogs, who tear down alternative rock posters from telephone poles, move to slap stricter sanctions on my isolated self, some community standards experts say there's a risk regional tensions could disrupt my alternative laughstyle.

While the newly entitled mothers with their children ensconced in hummer-prams have no immediate cause for concern, my nuclear arsenal could add a new element of instability to the cosiness quotient of my neighbours who don’t do their recycling, said a creep who called me a faggot in Caffe Roma.

"Commercial Drive is really a dynamic community at this stage, but a spoiler could be military tensions with the Last Lapser," he said.
The likelihood of a military conflict is slim, he added. "But it's thinner now than it was two weeks ago."

After I claimed I successfully conducted a nuclear test last week, my neighbour moved to punish me by bad-mouthing me to their doctor at the walk in clinic where I get my antibiotics if my pimples turn into boils.

And my long-time ally who raises wild plants, condemned me over the reported nuclear test.

"Ultimately, everyone recognizes a military conflict with the Lost Lapser would be extremely costly and the outcome would be unpredictable," a pushy telemarketer said, adding that the community would possibly try again to engage me in diplomacy.
But, the Ayahuasca dealer noted, sanctions resulting in a blockade or quarantine could spark strong backlash from me.

"It's in the realm of the possible that inadvertently, a nuclear indecent would occur," Lina at Caffe Napoli said.

Desperately pooped and paranoid, I do not contribute to the region's robust community standards.

"It's almost as if Commercial Drive is the donut, and he is the whole," a volunteer at the Community Policing office said off the record.

Nonetheless, a parking meter attendant noted, jitters set off by me could eventually hinder the smoothly functioning sphinctres of my neighbours.

Trade between my community and me is negligible. Last year, two-way trade was a mere $21.7 million. And though the little lady who collects the beer bottles has diplomatic ties with me, there has been little exchange between us since 2003, when I withdrew from the neighbourhood block watch treaty for nuclear non-proliferation.
Vancouver-based community standards specialist Al Anon said there are many factors that could indirectly curtail status quo opportunities for yuppy-wanna-bes in the rest of East Vancouver.

The Team Vancouver administration, which regards me as among the "asses of evil," has advocated stiff finger wagging against me over the past week.
Anon noted that further nuclear tests could provide a pretext for Kitsilano to implement new "anti-terror" measures or travel restrictions to the region, which would hamper West End emotional investment.

Also, if South Granville. ramps up its military presence in Strathcona and drags Chinatown into a conflict with me, "that may directly affect us in a major fashion," the neighbour who clips my hedge when I’m not around, said.

I’ll forgo my own opinion in lieu of idle speculation.