The lapse of luxury

"It is bitter to have loved and lost than never to laugh it off," Bamuall Subtler

Monday, July 31, 2006

no laughing dark matter

There is a tragic clash between Truth and the world. Pure undistorted truth burns up the world. -Nikolai Berdyaev

Awad's word of the day included this dreadful quote. I believe it as much as I hate and fear it.

My catastrophic attitude was triggered by a painful crush, which has been going on for about a month or more. I'm one of Pavlov's dogs. He has a fascinating personality... intense and tragic... and he gives me lots of compliments. But most of the time he avoids me just as intensely. It's a wick burning in my mind and groin.

I'm not ready for depression again, but here it is. I'm making a cozy little hole for myself. Meanwhile I shuffle off to a joyless day of work every morning. For me this is bravery. What do I look like to everyone else? A broken marionette? No, that would tug the heartstrings, and most of us don't like to be sad.

I'm very concerned with what others think of me. Do they think of me as I see myself? A wimp, a shirker, a snob, damaged, no fun.

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2 Comments:

Anonymous audrey said...

Hi Gary

I couldn't resist to make a comment. Seize life, instead of flowing with the river. Shake it up, and demand things that you never have before.

We all have the right to live life the way we choose, and not be as you say a puppet. Why have you given up your power? For what? For who? So that you can be a nameless soul in a nameless world?

Have courage, because nobody is going to hand you what you need to be happy on a silver platter.

Audrey

12:29 p.m.  
Blogger Reid said...

Thanks Audrey for your advice. To put that post in context I'll say that generally I'm enjoying life more than I have in about 10 years or so. But feeling haunted by powerlessness has always been part of my life. And writing these bleak posts and making them public helps me to identify these feelings.

To answer your questions:
Why have you given up your power? (When I'm down others have power; I don't have any power even to give up.)
For what? (To be liked)
For who? (For those who might like me)
So that you can be a nameless soul in a nameless world?
(Yes, and no. For me things are particularly beautiful when they're nameless. It's when we begin labelling things, and therefore ascribing meaning, that the trouble starts.)

Take care caring soul

8:15 a.m.  

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